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The Ron Dennis Diaries
Dear diary,
my name is ronnie dennis, i'm a lickle wickle boy from woking
and and i wanna know the secret to success...
and and not being such a pain in the neck sore loser...
if you don't i'm gonna throw a tantrum...
and and stamp and hold my breathe till i'm purple...
and and and if you tell me i'll show you me spider
love ronnie wonnie
kissy kissy
ps. adrian newy poops his pants
Dear diary,
oh and i think norby stinks!
RD
Dear diary,
can i interest you in a bag of my hair... for some reason it just doesn't want
to stay on my head... like its trying to tell me something... like it wants
to leave... i don't know maybe its just scared, but i think maybe its coz i
smell... well i can't help it... i'm not house trained yet and i tend to drop
a load in me pants whenever we lose... and last year that was more than most,
plus the fact i haven't got round to empting them since then... so they're kind
of rank... so much so i think i may have created life in there... so i'm sending
in newey to check it all out... considering he's into this science stuff and
wants to explore new worlds... i'll let him explore my inner world... however
smelly it is. anyways got to go
RD
Dear diary,
i just went to order myself a pizza and that bloody pal of mine went a scoffed
the whole bloody lot in one go... thats the last time i invite him round...
tell you something if tubby norby comes round yours... hide everything, your
pets, children, cushions, furniture and old relatives... he'll eat anything
if its still long enough. which reminds me where's newey?
RD
Dear diary,
had a great time yesterday, my friend DC came round and we had a fun time playing
lego... well tell the truth i had a fun time playing lego, he just sat there
while i took his face apart... and made it into a fire engine. anyways before
he left i put him back together... only thing is i had some pieces left over...
no matter i hid them under the carpet and when norby comes round again, i'll
give them to him for a snack. :)
RD
Dear diary,
i've got a problem... well its kinda personal... i have a problem with daylight
in particular... well how can i say this... it burns my skin... no not sunburn,
just i tend to catch light... and its not very nice, there you are ready to
go out and poof ten foot flames all over your body. i tell you its no fun being
a walking bonfire... then again its no fun sleeping in a coffin... not like
there's any room to swing a cat let alone bring a babe home. last time i tried,
i ended up spending most of the night nailing the coffin back together... well
she put up such a fight when i tried to get her in there, she kicked all the
sides out. i really can't understand girls, what is it with them, there they
are, you want to bite them like everyone does... so you take back to your place,
show them your etchings... then get them down in the cellar and show them your
bed and they start screaming like theres no tomorrow. all they seem to do is
complain complain complain... its enough to turn you queer... then again i accidentally
tried that once... no thanks not for me, i can't stand all that bending over...
what with my back and all. anyways i off to dig up and old girlfriend of mine...
she never complains, never a word... kind of the silent coy type... with that
come hither look... and such a beautiful smile, you know all teeth and bleached
bone.
if my lucks in i'll be rattleing her bones tonight
RD
Dear diary,
adrian tried to run away again last night... luckily norby caught him while
he was on the prowl for food amongst the bins... this time i'm going to nail
his feet down with 10 inch nails instead of 6... that sneaky little so and so
hid a pair of pliers up his catflap... i've made doubley sure, and had a good
route about in there and its all empty like... smelly but empty... anyways i'm
not taking anymore chances so i've stiched up his catflap good and proper...
plus i stapled it shut for good measure. fun though, you'd think he'd enjoy
it, but he screamed and screamed like a girlie... i'm sure he must have as he
stopped screaming and fell asleep shortly thereafter... must be relaxing or
something, having an industrial cardbox stapler hammering at your backdoor.
RD
Dear diary,
damn! just checked on adrian... he's there alright, but the bugger exploded
on me... i'm sure i searched his cavity real good and proper... but it seems
he must have consealed a gas cylinder up there or a bomb even... anyways when
i walked in on him, i turned on the light as usual and boom he went up in my
face... well i say him, i mainly mean his ass... like POW! chucks of butt everywhere,
all over the walls, all over the floor, on the ceiling, hanging off my coat
rack, sliding down the windows... even norby got totally plastered in it...
then again he kinda liked it... lucky he was round coz he got straight in and
cleaned up for me. just before he exploded adrian tried to tell me something...
he said "i got to go to the bo..." whatever the hell that's supposed
to mean. Bo bo bo god knows? anyways when DC comes round i'll build adrian a
new arse out of lego... DC won't mind lending a few blocks... when adrian grows
his ass back again he can have them back. i'm sure that will make adrian happy...
just hope he talks to me again... he's gone all silent on me... i think he's
sulking... and i don't blame him... not even a scream when i kick him :(
Dear diary,
why won't anyone talk to me anymore... is it coz i smell of roadkill?.. its
not easy being nosferatu... it's quite hard, no matter how much you wash you
just can't seem to get rid of the smell of rotting flesh. tell me is coz i'm
evil? its coz i'm evil isn't it? yeah i knew it... i can't help being the way
i am evil is as evil does my old mom used to say... death's like a pinebox of
corpses... oh well won't be long now it will be sun up and i'll have to go beddy
byes... god i hate the dawn. :(
RD
Dear diary,
Ha! Ha! i won! i won!... shit it was a dream! :(
RD
Dear diary,
huh?! it's not time for school already is it?
oh well no rest for the wicked... now where was i again...
RD
Dear diary,
YAH HA-HA HA! the sun has set and i'm up a the crack of darkness! shame she
won't let me in k lets get down to business... er... where did everyone go?
hey! who nailed my coffin shut?! HEY LET ME OUT OF HERE!!!
NORBY!!! ADRIAN!!! DC?!!! OH COME ON LADS LET ME OUT!!! OK OK I GET THE JOKE
BUT ITS NOT GETTING FUNNY ANYMORE!... HELLO ANYONE THERE?! bugger looks like
another night in then :(
RD
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