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The Ron Dennis Diaries Part III
Dear Diary,
i'm really angry... like really really angry... i'm so angry i've pulled the
rest of my hair out... i'm so so angry that i got hold of adrian and pulled
the rest of his hair out too... he screamed like a woman... why can't he bare
it like a man and just complain behind my back like everyone else? :) DC turned
up today with his new cheeky little friend... kimi is a nice boy... a bit too
nice me thinks... no problem i'll twist him round to our way of thinking soon
enough. anyways DC is so bloody boring... i had to listen to his same old boring
stories - his plans for the season again... god i've heard them so many times
i'm sure they're etched into my brain... anyways i pulled the plug on him...
that soon shut him up. i'll give it a few hours, maybe even pop down the village
and bother the locals for an hour or two... and when i feel like it i'll plug
him back in... but i'll make sure i'm not there to listen to the rest of it.
"i can win blah blah blah!" christ give me a break! :( kimi thinks
its funny... yeah he'll be laughing on the other side of his face, wait till
he sees what i got planned for him. ;)
norby hasn't been round since he got caught attacking pizza delivery boys...
:( poor lads never saw him coming... sad really sad... he'd leap out of the
bushes and pounce... once norby sunk his teeth into the pizza hotbox, he just
wouldn't let go... i can only describe it like watching a cheetah catching a
gazzelle... none of the grace mind... just a fat hungry cheetah running down
the street, snapping at the bike like a pizza-crazy madman. they tried to beat
him off with sticks, that just made him bite harder... the police had to call
in a marksman and they took him down with tranquilizer dart... well tell the
truth they had to shoot him a total of 14 times before he finally went down,
and then only after he managed to devour, 45 pizzas, three bikes and an assortment
of policemen that got in the way... i count my blessings, i'm just glad he doesn't
eat his own. :)
RD
ps i miss my fat friend :(
pps not really ;)
Dear Diary,
i think someones been reading my diary... somethings not right... when i find
out who it is i'll... i'll... i'll moan about it... well what else am i good
for... er don't answer that. ;)
RD
ps if its adrian, i'll kick his arse purple
Dear Ron's Diary,
Norby like pizza... pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza,
pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza,
pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza,
pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza,
pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza,
pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza and pizza.
N
ps pizza-pizza
Dear Diary,
i'm certain someones messing with my diary... i found it covered in tomato stains
today... i think its someone's sick and twisted idea of a death threat... well
i can play that game too, so i've decided to booby trap my diary... anyone touches
it and BOOM! up in smoke and half of woking goes up with them. ;) Ya-Ha-Ha!!!
RD
Dear.... BADDDDOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!
Da Dorii,
SHET SHET SHET!!! mmii mostak... me bblone haff mme oun fase oov, furgut oll
abut foken buubi tropp :(
DR
sp BLODEE SHET!!!
Dear Ron's Diary,
Chief science officers log.... Strange events here
at castle woking... am currently invesigating strange and facinatingly strange
phenomena, thats really really strange... i'd even say stranger than strangly
strange... apparantly ron was a victim of a alien terrorist plot... i'm sure
it was the little green fellows... i think they're a little pissed with us,
specially after i copied the aerials off their heads... anyways i think its
a definate case for agents muddler and kimi of the MBI (Mclaren Baldies of Intimidation).
i've presented the facts to kimi and like always he just laughs it all off...
doesn't he take anything seriously? anyways the pizza eating man is behind it
all i fear... trust no one, specially not me... well after the jaguar incident
who would blame you?
AN (part-time space cadet) Alias Agent Poxy Muddler
Dear Ron's Diary,
Giggle-giggle
K
ps Tee-hee-hee
Dear Diary,
I'm feeling much better now... the reconstructive surgery is going fine, luckly
adrian is good with his hands and hoarded alot of spares from last years car...
DC helped out too... in his own way... well tell the truth norby took his face
off and adrian patched me up with all the pieces and playdoh. :)
laughing boy came round again. kimi stayed just long enough to laugh and then
left laughing... i really don't understand the younger generation anymore...
they think everything's a joke, specially their elders :(
RD
Dear Diary,
i get these feelings sometimes... you know the ones... just feelings... that
i'm one big loser... don't know why, i just do... norby says not to worry about
it, as i'm the best loser there is... and i think he's right no one comes close
to how big a loser i am :)
RD
ps why is norby always right :(
pps smart fat arse!!!
Dear Diary,
Er... i dunno how i can tell you this, but we had a little accident today, kimi
came round and like always he spent most of the day making faces and laughing
at me... anyways norby was having lunch, and i tried to warn him to keep away
from his cage, specially when he's got food... but kimi just wouldn't listen...
anyways the inevitable happened and norby mistook kimi for afters... :( it never
ceases to amaze me, how norby seems to be able to swallow things way bigger
than his mouth... he seems to be able to bend the laws of physics when it comes
to lunch... then again he bends most things nowerdays... ;) anyways i tried
in vain to beat norby about the head, trying to make him see sense and throw
up dear little kimi... but it was no use... all i could here was the muffled
echoed laughter coming from norby's guts... seemed like kimi was enjoying himself
in there... so i let them be for an hour or so, :) then i called adrian and
he came round with a blow-torch and we cut him out of there... well thats all
that seems to work with norby these days, we've tried laxatives, but thats far
to messy and you don't want to be in the same country when norby goes to the
sh*tter. :( we tried to use a stomach pump on him once... but he swallowed it.
:(
RD
ps since the accident kimi stinks of stale pizza and carrots... strange as norby
doesn't eat carrots :(
Dear Diary,
Adrian came round to show off the new car today, to tell the god honest truth,
it looks like the same old car for the past 3 years, just with the stickers
jumbled up a bit... i just smile and make out i'm impressed, that ways he doesn't
bother me and finally goes away. ;) DC came round, demanding i give back his
face, i took him to one side and kicked the rest of what was left off... and
he hasn't brought it up again... well he can't, even if he wanted to, as i've
got his tongue in my pocket YAH HA-HA! ;)
DC mimed that he was very impressed with the new car, but then again isn't he
always... that idiot is so easily pleased. kimi on the otherhand took one look
and laughed... he saw straight through the joke and i admire that in one so
young. :)
norby came round with the new engine, he says it runs on pizza power... whatever
that is... it just looked like a secondhand microwave oven to me... it kept
making these weird pinging noises followed by a strange smell of hot anchovies...
wierd? couldn't get close enough to have a really good butchers at it, norby
got into one of his moods and wouldn't let anyone near it. :( between you and
me i think he's got a problem... i think hes a pizzaholic. :(
RD
ps when pizza boy falls asleep, i'll check over that new engine ;)
Dear Diary,
when i get my hands on that no good for nothing fat bugger, i'll kick his pizza
munching arse down the nearest flight of stairs... i had a real good look at
that new engine norby brought round... and its bloody amazing, why didn't he
tell me? its even got a built in roteserie. :) can't wait to test it out against
our arch nemesis ferrari... i think finally this year we can hold our heads
high... well anythings better than up each others arses... and if everything
blows up in our faces, we can always moan... well that's one title were sure
to win every season... FIA's Perpetual Whiners and Sore Losers Championship...
strange though as no one else goes in for it... hey who am i to complain, i'm
just glad of the title... mental note, must ask max and bernie if this note
saying "loser - kick me!" is the trophy or just a promisary note come
diploma :)
RD
Dear Bloody Diary,
We lost again, and to last years ferrari!!! :( boy do they know how to rub it
in, they're such big show offs! it's so unfair, we spend all that hard work
getting a new car together and on time, and they just waltz in with an old one
off the nearest secondhand forecourt... they beat us, like we're nothing more
than a bunch of total amatures... talking of which i put adrians nuts in a vice
and made him scream merry hell for making us look bad. ;) would have done the
same with norby, but haven't got a vise big enough to fit round his fat head
:( not that it would make us winners, just made me feel better... till next
time. ;)
kimi is still laughing, actually he hasn't stopped laughing since the race...
tell the truth he was laughing before the race... i'm glad he finds it all so
funny... coz norby didn't and buried him upto his neck in the back yard... head
down... well saves on ear plugs i guess... and keeps him outta harms way. :)
talking of which, remind me to make sure DC gets in harms way next i see him...
what a total loser... mikka come back all is forgiven... my mistake i should
have given DC the push instead... off the nearest cliff. :(
RD
ps DC still hasn't shown his face... when i get my hands on him i'll give him
a chinese burn to remember... round his bloody neck YAH HA-HA! ;)
Dear Diary,
After much thought and bascially i couldn't bare to listen to DCs persistant
moan moan moan about his sore throat, i had norby and adrian take him out back
and kick him into the never never. ah its so peacful now... well till he comes
round again. :) mental note, ask adrian to invent a perpetual kicking machine,
at least then i can kick some sense into DC remotely :)
RD
Dear Diary,
the villagers attacked the castle again today, i hid under my coffin and pretended
to be out, but they wouldn't take no for an answer... :( they kept ringing the
blasted door bell, in the end i had to remove the batteries. :( even when i
threw out adrian, they weren't happy and they kicked the living crap out of
him, before they set light to him... never seen adrain run so fast... even after
a jag contract... anyways last i saw him, he was headed for the moat to cool
off... i couldn't bare to tell him that i had it filled in with concrete a few
weeks prievious... well i always wanted a patio... and it covers up a whole
hoast of mistakes... and its a great place to bury some of the more persistant
ones, that won't shut up. ;) those damn villagers kept trying to set the castle
alight... lucky for me i had norby go up on the battlements and put them all
out with his trusty extinguisher... well i guess its better smelling of rotten
fag ash and piss than BBQ arse and pizza... but i don't know though? :) kimi
and DC tried to sneak of out the back door... but they got caught, lucky for
kimi he was able to laugh his way out of it all... and they just carted him
off to the nut house... :) but DC wasn't so lucky and ended up as ammunition
for their catapults... and he wasn't much good for that either... why is he
so bad at everything? :( he shattered on impact... and all that did was make
a very pretty display, as thousands of coloured plastic blocks rained all over
the castle :) i don't know about you, but i really feel i'm under siege here...
i can't go out anymore and the villiagers hate the sight of me... but thats
OK if i poke them in the eyes they won't have to see me, problem solved :)
RD
ps i sent norby out as peacemaker, and i think he's getting somewhere... last
i looked they had a huge ox on a spit in his honour and they were all gathered
round singing and partying. :)
pps there's a strange smell in the air tonight... rancid chip fat and pizza?
Dear Diary,
we cleared up after last nights party, i managed
to sweap up most of DC, but i guess we'll keep finding the rest of him for months
to come... i've put him back together best as possible, a little on the short
side, but who's going to notice... tall loser short loser... a loser is always
loser in my book. :) we found adrian still smoldering, face down on the castle
patio... he doesn't make a pretty sight, his face is like a char-grilled pancake...
he should really learn to stop burning it at both ends... anyways we managed
to scrape him up in one piece and he's recovering in the castle dustbin. :)
don't know whats up with norby, but i think he's been working out... he's lost
a lot of wieght overnight... in his sleep i guess? :) i'd say hes all skin and
bone, but there's not much skin left... so i'd say he's more like yesterdays
left overs.
RD
ps just got a call from the abbey normal lunatics-r-us nut house... a kind lady
said that kimi was bringing the house down... nice to see him fit in... and
that could we go over right away and fetch him, as they couldn't spare the room
anymore due to his presistant laughing.... well thats understandable, its enough
to drive anyone insane ;)
Dear Diary,
why am i so evil? then again why is it so much fun? it's not like i set out
to be evil and have fun, just that having the kind of evil fun that i do, is
so easy and natural to me... wonder if i was adopted and my old man was someone
like really really evil... like skeletor, or mr burns, or dick dastardly, or
mummra even... :) why are cartoons so much better than real life? :) how come
cartoon villains are loved by everyone, while everyone really hates me? :( maybe
its one of those great life mysteries, like how the hell DC's chin is so damned
square. all i know its bloody handy as a set square, but DC as always has to
ruin it all, by complaining about people drawing round his chin :( doesn't he
know thats the only reason adrian wants him in the team... hes far to cheap
to get his own. "hey DC can i borrow your chin again?" adrian ;)
RD
ps i pulled the wings of a couple of cars today... boy am i cruel ;) YAH-HA-HA
Dear Dairy,
Had one of those wierd dreams again today... there i was all naked, and this
huge big car in front of me... only it wasn't a car... i think it was one huge
banana on wheels... and then eddie jordan turned up and ruined it all. :(
RD
ps Adrian said i'm demented :(
pps Adrian is now dementing at the bottom of the stairs. ;)
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